I just read about a retreat title Transform Childhood Wounds into Gifts and thought about my own reception of the wounds and how God transformed them into gifts. To take something ugly and so abusive and come out the other side through God’s mercy and grace into gift isn’t something that most of us would consider possible.
It’s possible. I’m one person, living proof, of that grace and healing. More than just healing! Actually, transforming into gift, something useful and even beautiful, for His purpose and glory.
As a child, between the ages of 5 and 7-1/2 years old, my parents, my brother and I lived in a two-story house above a family of 6. The oldest of the children was a boy of 16. He raped me repeatedly until we moved into the neighboring state. I never thought of telling my parents, or anyone else for that matter. Why, I don’t know. Perhaps he threatened me?
When I was about 12, a cousin who was living close by, was asked by my parents to watch my younger brother and I while they attended a meeting. He tried to rape me, but being a bit older (not much wiser) I pushed him off as if he were simply joking. He stopped and acted as if it were just fooling, no harm done.
Mid-twenties, my boss walked me to the door after a Saturday’s extra day at the office, turned his back to the door, holding the knob behind his back, and told me that he’d certainly like to “get into my pants”. My response was “I wouldn’t be comfortable working for him if that started”. He trumped up an excuse to fire me the following Monday.
The effects of these events upon me – I knew I was bad, and my behavior reflected it. It was my fault – how, not sure, but nothing else seemed to explain it. Not so much outwardly but behind the scenes. My choices of partners! Nothing more to offer anyone and definitely not worth much other than my body.
I lay in bed one night after just such a ‘date’ and asked God why was I so bad, always had been, even as a child. I heard His voice say, “What could a child of 5 do to invite such behavior?” From that moment on, life and behavior began to change.
I started a journey of healing and understanding, of myself and the wounds of others. A journey of understanding how God had protected me as that 5-year-old, abused and used, but not killed and dumped into the trash, not silenced by older men to protect themselves. And as I walked with Him, He showed me how everything I was ashamed of could be used as understanding and a safe place for those He sends to me in my ministry of spiritual direction, my walk through life with all peoples.
Nothing anyone can share with me about their own journey will shock me, make me turn away or condemn them for what they have experienced or done. I’ve been there, done that. A young woman, attending a three-day silent directed retreat, came in, sat down in front of me, and vomited out her anger that no one could understand her life as a child who had suffered sexual abuse, or the twisting of life that followed. No one knew! She was alone, the only one! My reply to her was simply, “we are legion.” She was silent for a bit and then more tears flowed as we talked about how many thousands of us there are, all afraid to talk about the abuse and aftereffects.
I can sit with anyone and offer a safe space for ripping the bandage off the wounds, to let in God’s healing light. To begin the journey to wholeness, forgiveness and becoming what God intended for each one to be.
I am blessed beyond measure. My healing is an ongoing journey as a memory pops up to wound again and God takes the pain and shame away and gives it back as understanding and becoming.
To walk with others as they make their way closer to God, using the ‘gift’ I’ve received, priceless.
I pray the same for each of you. Become, heal and breathe, let God love you. Learn to love and forgive yourself.
– Alice
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